A life lesson in sports

This is such a heartwarming story that I felt like sharing it. Even if you're not a sports fan, you'll surely appreciate the overwhelming display of compassion and spirit.

The Ultimate Act of Sportsmanship

Blog... Blog... Blog...

I find myself spending a lot of my free time involved with blogging. One reason is that it keeps my mind off of other less pleasant things. But maybe more importantly I find the whole concept fascinating. People from throughout the world, with no seeming connection, sharing their inner most thoughts, feelings, emotions, and other rather personal details of their lives. For me, it's cathartic... allowing me to express things which I normally would (and still do) bottle up. It is an evolving exercise which allows me to commiserate with others sharing the same problems, doubts and insecurities. But much more than that, I have found some as a source of inspiration, hope and sometimes just a laugh or insight. All of that and I'm only about ten days into delving into this world. It's amazing how many blogs exist and I'm sure I've only scratched the surface.

For the few who have visited, I hope you continue to come back and take a part in one person's life as he struggles with the demons within and revel in shared successes. To those I haven't stumbled across yet in this ever expanding world, let me know who you are so I can find you and take a part in your grand experiment and journeys.

Celestial soothsayer settles situation on Sunday

I'm not much of a believer in astrology. I find it more amusing to read my horoscope at the end of the day to see if anything foretold actually came to pass. But going to my "My Yahoo" page this morning I found this nugget as a Taurus: If someone has rubbed you the wrong way one too many times, you have a choice about how you can handle the situation. You can get in their face and give them a piece of your mind, or you can stop including them in your daily life as much as possible. If you think that you need to vent, then you should go for the first option. But if you would rather not tick anyone off, it's best just to retreat and avoid this person for a while. Sooner or later, they will get the message.

Well, I've opted for #2 and am going to beat a hasty retreat. Somewhere in my cross-wired brain I knew that things were probably over with "Elsie". I tried to stay optimistic, but somewhere along the way I crossed over the line from optimistic to unrealistic. My thinking was if Don Quixote could tilt at windmills why shouldn't I? You know the old cliche, "All good things come to those who wait." They haven't to date, and likely won't with her. So, while I can't honestly say that I've given up on her, I can put forth that I've moved her to the background. No more waiting up for a message that's not going to come... no more incessant checking for the latest news.

The lines of communications will always be open, it's up to her if she wishes to get in touch. I'd certainly welcome it, but I'm not going to chase it like a puppy running after a tennis ball hoping to get a pat on the head and a scratch behind the ear. My philosophy moving forward will be more along the lines of Richard Bach when he wrote, "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were." Am I going to be any happier? Probably not. Am I going to be less miserable? I think so, at least that's the plan. Maybe I'll get pleasantly surprised some day.

You deserve a break today...

My recent posts have been very gloomy, which is where my life is right now. That's what blogs are all about. Anyway, you deserve a break from the negativity today so here goes (courtesy of Thoughts):

UNIQUE
1. Nervous habits- I pull/tug on my hair (most noticably facial hair)
2. Are you double jointed- ah, no
3. Can you roll your tongue- when properly motivated (hint, hint "Elsie")
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time- yes, just like The Rock
5. Can you blow spit bubbles- you bet
6. Can you cross your eyes- no way, it gives me a headache.
7. Tattoos- no way, no how, no chance, never
8. Piercings- nope... just the holes I was born with
9. Do you make your bed daily- I'm the only one who sees it so why bother?

CLOTHES
10. Which shoe goes on first?- right usually
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone- nope, never have
12. On the average, how much money do you carry - generally less that $20
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7- I did wear a remembrance band for over a year but recently took it off
14. Favorite piece of clothing- my warm, comfy fleece

FOOD
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it- twirl, is there any other way?
16. Have you ever eaten Spam- heck yeah... fried egg, cheese and spam sandwich... mmmm
17. Do you use extra salt on your food- only on popcorn and veggies
18. How many cereals in your cabinet- one... Special K
19. What's your favorite beverage- toss up, coffee and Coke Zero
20. What's your favorite fast food restaurant/chain- McDonalds (but only for breakfast)
21. Do you cook- who doesn't?

GROOMING
22. How often do you brush your teeth- when they need it... which means daily
23. Hair drying method- towel off then let it dry naturally
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair- no need to yet

MANNERS
25. Do you ever swear- yes, but generally not around women and never near children
26. Do you ever spit- sure

FAVORITE
27. Animal- dogs, they are man's best (and sometimes only) friend
28. Food- chicken wings (IF done properly, which is extremely hard to find)
29. Month- September... not quite summer, not quite fall.
30. Day- Saturday
31. Cartoon- Bugs Bunny (that's how old I am)
32. Shoe brand- FootJoy (only golf shoes I will wear)
33. Subject in school- Math (I was really good too)
34. Color- green
35. Sport- golf (participating) hockey (watching)
36. TV shows- I don't watch TV
37. Thing to do in the spring- golf, anything outside.
38. Thing to do in the summer- golf, sit on my deck with a cool drink and a good cigar.
39. Thing to do in the fall- work (not really a favorite but that's how life works)
40. Thing to do in winter- stay inside watching sports
41. In the CD player- O.A.R. Live from Madison Square Garden and Band of Heathens Live From Antone's
42. Person you talk most on the phone with- my boss (again, not my favorite but that's how life works)
43. Reading- "Elsie's" Blog (right now it's the only way to find out what's going on with her)
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows/mirrors- I look at myself as little as possible
45. What color is your bedroom- white
46. Do you use an alarm clock- yes, same one for almost twenty years
47. Window seat or aisle- window (so I can sleep undisturbed)

DUMB
48. What's your sleeping position- alone unfortunately
49. In hot weather do you use a blanket- sheet yes, blanket no
50. Do you snore- I don't think so
51. Do you sleepwalk- nah, I walk enough while awake!
52. Do you talk in your sleep- if a Bob talks in his sleep and there's no one there to hear it does he make a sound?
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals- nope
54. How about with the light on- light's out
55. Do you fall asleep with the tv or ps3 on- only on the couch during a game... not in the bedroom

How's life on the west coast?

I got an email from a friend on the east coast today posing this question. We're not close friends, more like close business associates, but someone I trust (and who I still owe a HUGE favor). We haven't chatted since I moved to San Jose in June 2007.

For the first time, I stopped and asked myself how to honestly answer this question. No BS this time around... how do I feel about the move nearly one year later? The routine answer has been "things are great" for ten months. Heck, if T.K. had asked the question last week, I might have echoed that familiar answer. But today, I leaned back in my office chair and contemplated the answer to the query. It wasn't an in-depth examination of my inner thinkings, but rather a quick evaluation of the raw, unfiltered emotions of the moment (kind of like these blog posts).

I stared blankly at the monitor for about five minutes before reaching out for the keyboard. Eventually the words that flew back to the east coast were: "The jury is still out on the move. Someday's I think it's working out, other days I think it was a big mistake." It's the first time I've expressed that thought to anyone else. So that's where I am right now... not sure if my future lies here or elsewhere. Only time will tell if the grass was greener over the fence.

Quarters to karma?

I took my car in for brakes and while I was waiting I took a stroll down the street to get a cup of coffee. While in line, a scruffy older man came up to me and asked for fifty cents. "I don't have it right now," I responded. Truly, I didn't have that much change after ordering the coffee. While I consider myself a decent guy, I don't usually give money to panhandlers.

After getting my coffee, cream, and making a phone call, I was about to put on my backpack and walk back to shop to wait for my car. Picking it up, I heard the unmistakable jingle of change. This is the backpack I usually take when traveling, so I always just throw my change in one of the pockets. (It's a lot easier to get through TSA security at the airport.) Anyway, I stopped and thought to myself, "I could really use some good karma" so I fished out fifty cents. I looked around the store but the guy was gone. I went outside, but couldn't find the guy. Figuring he left, I began walking back to the shop. Passing by a bus stop, there he was waiting. I went up and handed him the change. "Here's the fifty cents you needed, good luck man."

It made me feel good. While it's not a quid pro quo situation, hopefully some good karma will come my way... especially when it comes to "Elsie." I could really use some.

Peace and joy, for now

For three hours tonight, the world came to a stop. I had a chance to feel something inside which has escaped me... complete peace and joy. At the San Jose Sharks game tonight, the weight of the world was lifted and my heart and soul were filled with the kind of happiness that has been lacking in my life. It was the kind of exhilaration that you felt as a kid, when you had no worries, no problems, only the freedom and spirit of being a child. The rush was euphoric. I have not felt that blissfully content since one weekend in January.

On the way home reality came thundering down. How am I going to pay for the brakes I need, the next round of playoff tickets, the car insurance, the rent? When (or will) she ever respond to any of my messages? Did my honest outburst last week ruin everything? Why is this pain in my jaw returning after going away for a week? What's next?

I've never taken anything stronger than alcohol (more proof of my geek/nerd ness), but I can understand why drugs are so prevalent. The ability to escape reality on command and feel some peace or joy must be a large part of their addictiveness. There's still some game seven bliss floating around... hopefully I'll capture enough to bring a good night's rest, soothing dreams, and a little bit of joy to end the day. Hard to remember the last time that occurred.

For Those Keeping Score

1. She still hasn't contacted me since our chat Thursday/Friday (although I sent out a "What's up hot stuff?");
2. The Red Sox swept Texas over the weekend and have won 9 of their last 10;
3. The Sharks lost in Calgary Sunday... and face a game seven at home Tuesday;
4. As far as my mood and disposition, I'm about a 6 on a scale of 10 today.

My gentle reminder

An untitled work by Louise Bourgeois. I discovered it, quite by accident, when I was in Boston this March (2008).

It is a celebration of the human spirit. No matter the obstacles presented, we strive to persevere and find a way to overcome them.

Sometimes I forget this, and need a gentle reminder. I've made this my laptop wallpaper to keep it forefront in my mind. My hurdles right now seem insurmountable, and I need to find my crutch.

Out on a limb...

Thursday night / Friday morning marked a significant moment in recent memory. As mentioned in an earlier post, there's someone who I'm very attracted to, but lately she has had no time for me. It's been frustrating and disappointing that we haven't been able to get together, only chatting on-line and trading messages. Well, during our late night chat, I asked if everything was ok with her, as the last time we had communicated she seemed tired, stressed, and a little down. She indicated that she was still a somewhat tired, and had a lot of projects going on that were consuming all of her time. Given her commitments both personal and professional, that really didn't come as a great surprise. It's what she said later that both worried me (for her) and made me venture out on a limb myself.

She openly worried that all of her commitments were starting to steal away a part of her identity... that of a vital, sensual woman. She said that even IF she did have the time to meet that she wouldn't want to because she didn't feel very sexy and was self conscious about her looks right now. (As an aside, she's a very beautiful woman and I would doubt that she has to worry about her looks... but I digress). I mentioned that with her busy lifestyle, she needs to make some "me time" a priority, even if it means scheduling it like a business appointment. When she said that her personal identity wasn't a priority, I kind of lost my cool and jumped up on my soap box to give her some advice. Some of this came from personal experience, some from life long observation, and some from common sense. I did preface this with her by saying "I might be selfish saying this but..." It was frank, honest and a little blunt. Some of it was out of frustration, some of it was out of genuine concern. It was probably 60 vs. 40... I'll let you decide from where I was coming. Of course, the idea would be her spending that "me time" with me.

In my journal that night just after the chat I wrote this:
I did say a lot of things which I meant, but I feel the most powerful was "you are a priority in some people's lives." That was a risk, a very big one. I'm proud you took it. Something this good is worth fighting for. She is special and you know it.
So I'm out on a limb with this one. Will she take my advice to heart or will she press on and put her personal life to the side again? Will she understand that I do care about her as a person or will she resent the idea of me butting in? Will she realize that I'm opening up to her, being honest about my feelings or did this breeze by her while she was thinking about any of her commitments? Will she reach out to me, even if it's just to say hello or have I blown any chance of seeing her again? My heart's wide open and exposed, will it get embraced or strangled???

The Tears of a Clown

"Now there's some sad things known to man
But ain't too much sadder than
The tears of a clown, when there's no one around"
~ Smokey Robinson ~

I stole the show again... was the talk of the campus... put on another great comedic performance. This time I got to be the sleazy promoter, the real sketchy guy putting on a concert for a diversity committee skit. It was a fun character to play and the audience really ate it up. I would be remiss if I didn't give mad props to Craig Shoemaker as some of my character was loosely based on Craig's "Lovemaster." The remainder came from the multitude of actual concert promoters I've had the privilege (or curse) of working with over the years. Not to brag, but it was good and was pretty funny... even if it wasn't close to being accurate. They'll be talking about it for months I'm sure.

But that's the outside face... a performance for an audience. Although taken to the extreme, it isn't that far off the mark. Every day at work it's more acting than reality. The immediate world sees the jokester that keeps things light... always ready with a quip or joke to make someone smile. The carefree soul that takes his job and responsibilities seriously... but can make everyone laugh or make a tense situation less severe. They don't know it's all an act... a defense mechanism to cope with thoughts and feelings that aren't meant to be shared. It's an escape to a character that's my direct opposite. It's an opportunity to be all that I am not... but wish I could be. It's an endless role in the movie that is my public life.

No one sees the tears of a clown, the tortured soul behind the makeup (or in this case the sleazy promoter). No one sees the emptiness, the desperation, the isolation, the sadness, the joylessness. I put on the character in the morning, and play out the role until the day is complete. Then the facade comes down, the defenses are lowered and the clown has fooled them for one more day. As the sun arises, the routine begins anew.

There's someone out there for me, but...

There's someone out there for me.... and I've met her. I've even met her twice. She's smart... I like (need actually) smart. She's charming, funny, engaging, and interesting. She's super sexy... sensual, seductive, stimulating. She wants the same kind of relationship (arrangement) that I'm looking to find. She makes me smile from ear to ear when we chat. She's the one I turn on my IM for, awaiting her next pop-up into my day or night. She sound's perfect doesn't she?

BUT

She has absolutely no time for me. That's how far down the priority list I am. I could be naive (or a complete fool), but I honestly believe that from all of our conversations that she truly does want to meet again. I just haven't been able to crack into the "important enough to make time" category yet. Don't get me wrong... her career and business should be important. As a single mom, her children definitely need to be a priority. Her community work means a lot... as do her friends. That puts a relationship pretty far down the list (if it's even on the list).

SO

It's frustrating. It's been three months since I saw her and we chat frequently about getting together... but haven't done so. I've committed to making the time... I just need to get on her calendar. If the stars ever align in the heavens and we do get together... it will be magical. It's frustrating to know deep down that this could really work and be great for both of us but is getting squashed by other priorities. It's frustrating to have finally met someone that's so attractive on so many different levels and not be able to see (instead of just chat) with her. It's frustrating that she can't (or won't) find the time.

I'm frustrated but will continue on being optimistic and confident until directed not to do so. I'm frustrated but will continue to keep asking her out, subtly and otherwise. I'm either setting myself up for something fantastic or tragically devastating. It means a lot to me so I'll forge ahead... head held high and heart wide open.

Strange Daze Indeed

OK, today has started off in a rather unusual fashion. I've been down in the dumps lately (more on that later in a separate posting) and you would think this morning's kickoff would have sent me right over the edge. Conversely, it kind of made me laugh it off and say out loud "what could go wrong next?"

April 16th... the morning after having to write my first check to the IRS. Obviously I was not a happy camper (and a much poorer one at that). Anyway, I go downstairs to get into my car for work and find my Sirius Satellite Radio gone. Sure, I'm guessing I left the door unlocked because there was no damage, but come on people. Working in the dark of night, the criminals must have thought the receiver was a GPS unit. They took the radio and the car power adapter, but didn't steal the antenna. Add to that fact that I reported the stolen serial number to the company and they canceled the service. This leaves the unit virtually worthless.

Off to work... and of course the prerequisite goof-off over morning coffee. Check into ESPN.com and there it was... UMass Basketball coach Travis Ford likely to take Oklahoma State job. A double-whammy... no radio and now this. Travis and his staff are tremendous people and in three seasons have transformed the culture surrounding UMass Hoops. I was afforded the honor to work closely two of those three seasons with Travis, James, Steve, Adam, etc. They are something special and IF (now WHEN... confirmed at 4:30 PDT) they leave for Stillwater it will be a tremendous loss for UMass and a program which was finally returning to it's prominence on a national stage. I'm still a "MinuteFan" and will continue with or without Travis... it will just be tougher.

So where's all of this going? Lately, all of these things would have piled up and totally thrown me into a funk. The day would have been ruined (by 9:00am) and would have made the potential disappointments and frustrations of the day even more dramatic. Well, that didn't happen. I laughed it off. Ha ha, you guys stole a worthless radio when you could have taken the expensive (and more valuable) golf clubs out of the trunk. I even got my revenge by calling to suspend the service... that will show you for messing with me. Travis could be gone... ok that sucks but it was bound to happen sometime after being courted by LSU and Providence just last month. On top of that, he's the one that's going to have to live in Oklahoma not me (no offense... just not my kind of place to live).

Are all my troubles, problems, and current frustrations solved? No. But am I a miserable, depressed wreck that I was about a week ago? No to that too. Somehow I shrugged this off... and will keep the attitude that things will get better on other fronts too (more later on that).