Why am I still here? I saw a video the other day with a key message; and it struck home like a bolt of lightning. This one sentence... "Suicide doesn’t end the pain, it only transfers it onto others" opened up a new perspective to end of life decisions.
To stay true to myself, I need to stay true to my being. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt to my family or perceived friends. My nature would never allow me to transfer my desperation and grief onto others and cause them suffering. I won't saddle them with that sorrow and burden. They deserve to live the best lives they can achieve. They deserve to flourish without the underlying question of "what could I have done?"
I've spent my life in service of others. Professionally, I brought countless people joy and entertainment. I feel like I did something to enrich their lives... if only for a few hours. Personally, I have always strived to leave others in a better place. In most instances, I think I've chosen the right path to follow. A well intentioned "thanks, I appreciate you," a thoughtful "gee, I like your hair," or a well placed smile for a cashier I could tell was having a bad day were small gestures I hoped would make a big impact.
Robin Williams was one of the kindest, funniest people of my generation. I think I've taken this quote to heart and try to live it. He gave his heart and soul to keep anyone from feeling the way he did. Ultimately he had nothing left to give and his strength was gone. My suffering is mine and I own it. Like Robin, I give all I can to keep anyone from feeling the way I do. I hope I don't choose to transfer that onto others, but sometimes you have nothing left to give.
You have always been kind and supportive to me. Can you believe its nearly 20 years since we started blogging?
ReplyDeleteI hope you keep hanging in with us, Bob. Xo
This was such a brave and powerful post, Bob. That line about suicide not ending pain but transferring it is heartbreaking and true, and the way you let it shift your perspective says a lot about your compassion for the people who love you. You have spent so much of your life trying to make others’ days a little lighter, whether onstage, at work, or in those small everyday kindnesses, and that absolutely matters.
ReplyDeleteEven if you do not always see it, your presence, your honesty, and your care are gifts to the people around you. You deserve support and gentleness too, not just to be the one who holds everyone else up. The fact that you are still here, still thinking about how not to pass your pain on, is an act of love in itself. Take care of yourself, Bob.